The 12 Pains of JASHINmas
by MoonlitLotus
Summary: A parody of the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas" with the Akatsuki! Christmas Akatsuki plenty of fun and hilarity and Kakuzu's misfortune heh! Warning for Hidan's colourful language, since he just doesn't know how to speak without swearing. RE-VAMP
1. Introduction

A little late for Christmas, but I was recently inspired! There are some things that the Akatsuki probably wouldn't' have…like a tv or internet? But oh well, just go along with it. :P Enjoy!

Summary: A 'parody' of the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas" with the Akatsuki!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters (belong to Masashi Kishimoto) or the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas"

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Pein: Akatsuki presents The 12 Pains of Christmas.

Hidan: I take offence to that title.

Pein: …?

Hidan: Akatsuki presents The 12 Pains of JASHINmas. ^^

Itachi: Hidan, that's not even a real-

Hidan: -swings scythe- What did you say Uchiha?

Itachi o.o never mind…

Konan: o.o…Well no matter what you call it, its still about Christmas =)

Tobi: -GASP- IT'S CHRISTMAS ALREADY?!?! :D

Hidan: JASHINMAS! JASHINMAS! .

Kakuzu: Anyways, lets get on with it. I'm wasting time, and time is money.

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Thanks for reading! This is just the intro, the next chapter will be the first pain of uh, JASHINmas. Reviews and comments are always welcome!!

-MoonlitLotus


	2. Number 1

Here's the first pain of Christmas courtesy of the Akatsuki. Enjoy!!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters (belong to Masashi Kishimoto) or the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas"

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Sasori: -writes-The first thing at Christmas that's-

Hidan: *COUGH COUGH* -points-

Sasori:…? Oh. -.-'' -writes-The first thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: finding a Christmas JASHINmas tree.

Hidan: Damn straight. ^^

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Pein: Alright guys, time to look for a Chr-I mean JASHINmas tree.

Hidan: To celebrate Jashin, it should be red, with thorns, maybe even some blood or weapons stuck in the trunk if we're lucky… :D

Konan: o.O Ok…you go get that from Jashin-world, the rest of us are getting ourselves a REAL tree.

Tobi: But…we already have a tree. -points to Zetsu-

Deidara: Oh for Pete's sake, you've known him for 2 years…isn't that getting a bit old?

Zetsu: Tobi…FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT A TREE. I'm a flower! ^^

Pein: Riiight…Let's go!

-pile into Akatsuki car-

Sasori: You know, we seriously need a bigger car.

Deidara: -Face squished to the window- -muffled-No kidding, un.

-5 minutes later-

Tobi: Are we there yet?

-10 minutes later-

Tobi: Are we there yet?

-15 minutes later-

Tobi: Are we-

All: Shut up Tobi!

Pein: -sigh- You know, the point of getting a tree is so you can have it home by the end of the first day, not 2 years later. You CAN go faster than 30 mph, especially when the speed limit is 80.

Kakuzu: Why? That would waste unnecessary gas, and something might break; leading to expensive mechanic bills.

Pein: ?? Don't you waste gas by going slower…?

Hidan: If you don't go faster, you'll have to pay waaaaay more to re-upholster this car once I cut your head off with my scythe and you bleed all over it!

Kakuzu: Fine. -meter goes up to 35-

Hidan: FUCK YOU KAKUZU!

Hidan: -grabs steering wheel; accelerates, and meter goes up to 180-

Kakuzu: What are you doing? Let go! You're gonna crash us into something and its coming out of YOUR pay check!-car swerves dangerously-

Hidan: HA! Like I even get a fucking pay check, Mister Frugal.

Kakuzu: Stop calling me that!

Sasori: O.O SLOW DOWN!!!

Konan: O.O OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!-hyperventilates-

Tobi: WHEEE!!!!

Kisame: OMG WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! (lol George of the Jungle anyone?)

Hidan: -swerves wheel one way, while Kakuzu swerves the other way- result? The car didn't change direction at all.

Sasori: O.O

Deidara: -muffled-I can't look. -covers eyes-

Itachi: I wish I was blind.

Tobi: TOBI SEES A TREE!

Kisame: -sniff- I'm too young to die!!

Pein: -pondering intellectually -Can you even die from hitting a tree? I mean, wouldn't the tree just break…

Konan: -having a heart attack- Do you WANT to find out?

Sasori: -uses puppet strings on Hidan and Kakuzu, making them move the car to safety at the last second-

All: -sigh of relief-

-At tree farm forest place…-

Konan: -recovering-NEVER let Kakuzu drive, and NEVER let Hidan sit next to him. Just because HE can't die doesn't mean he can murder us all…

Deidara: We need softer windows, un. I can't feel my face anymore.-pokes nose-

-Zetsu pops out from the ground-

Konan: I wish I could do that…

Zetsu: What happened?

Pein: Don't ask. Now let's find our tree and go home.

-10 minutes later-

Kisame: Hey, how about this one?

Kakuzu: Nope, too expensive.

Hidan: -to owner- WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE RED, THORNY, BLOOD COVERED TREES? HAVE YOU NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR JASHINMAS?-brandishes scythe-

Owner: O.O

Sasori: -drags Hidan away- Excuse him, he's suffering from Totally Out-of-control Bad-mouthed Insanity (aka T.O.B.I), due to daily exposure.

Hidan: Jashin will never forgive him.

Konan: Ooh, this would look so pretty!

Kakuzu: Too expensive.

Itachi: How about-

Kakuzu: Nope.

Pein: -sigh- What's your idea of a perfect tree then?

Kakuzu: This one! ^^ -points to tiny tree-

Sasori: You cant even hang a single ornament off that without knocking it over. -.-

Kakuzu: Your point? -gets a look from Sasori- Fine. I'll keep looking.

Tobi: Look senpai! If you close your eyes almost all the way and tilt your head like this, doesn't this tree look like Zetsu?

Deidara: -WTF?- No. No it doesn't Tobi. -.-

Zetsu: How about this one? IT'S THE PERFECT ONE.

All: Wow, pretty good!

Kakuzu: Sorry its too-

Hidan: -smacks Kakuzu-

Pein: We'll take it!

Owner: Thank you and have a Merry Christmas!

Hidan: ITS JASHI-

Kakuzu: -smacks Hidan- Knock it off.

Konan: Please, for my sanity, let someone else drive.

Tobi: OH CAN TOBI? PLEASE, PLEASE! -puppy dog eyes- TOBI WILL BE A GOOD BOY!

Konan: O.O I'd rather have Kakuzu.

Itachi: I'll drive.

Deidara: You're half blind! I will.

Pein: Aren't you underage?

Deidara: So? If Tobi can drive…

Konan: Pray that day will never come. I'd honestly feel safer with Pein behind the wheel.

Pein: ^^ Thank you Konan.

Konan: ^^

And they all travel home safely, with their JASHINmas tree tied on the roof along with an angry Kakuzu. (They needed his threads to tie the tree, so they just decided to put him up there too.)

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Reviews and comments are always welcome!

-MoonlitLotus


	3. Number 2

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto or the song the 12 Pains of Christmas.

Enjoy! ^^

Sasori: -writes-The second thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: rigging up the lights.

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Pein: Ok, now that we finally got the tree home, you guys can rig up the lights.

Sasori: What about you?

Pein: Konan and I have some stuff to do, so we'll be out of the base for a few hours.

Konan: Good luck!

-both leave-

Deidara: Ok, I'll make the decorations un, seeing as SOMEONE doesn't allow us to buy any.

Kakuzu: Be grateful I actually sacrificed money on a tree that's big enough to hold decorations.

Itachi: Be grateful. It was a nightmare even getting him to buy lights, even though they were on sale for like 50 percent off…

Deidara: -walks away-

Sasori: We're gonna need a ladder too I think.

Sasori: -leaves and returns back with lights and ladder-

Hidan: In the spirit of JASHINmas I think I should be the one to put up the lights!

Kakuzu: Whatever, just don't break them. The lights have lasted for 7 years, and they should last for another 10.

Hidan: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Sasori: I'm gonna make a star for the tree. Something eternal that will last even when the season is long over! ^^-walks away-

Hidan:-starts putting up the lights-

-5 minutes later-

Itachi: Hidan, have you ever put up the lights before? You're supposed to start from the top.

Hidan: Does it matter? The whole tree will be covered anyways.

Itachi: Whatever, but what are you gonna do when you have to plug it in?

Hidan: Are you stupid? I'll just take the cord, and bring it to the plug-oh, fuck.

Itachi: See? It doesn't reach. -smug-

Hidan: Fine. I'll restart from the top. -pulls on lights to remove them- Fuck, its stuck!

Kisame: Here. Let me help you. -pulls lights out, knocking over the tree- Oops.

Kakuzu: NO! MY PRICELESS TREE!! -uses threads to catch it before it falls-

Hidan: Ok…so then I start at the top, loop it around and it comes up in front and I loop it around- DAMN!

Itachi: -.- What now? Do you need an instruction manual?

Hidan: -glare- One light went out, and the entire fucking row went out!!

Kisame: Then put that part at the back, so no one can see it.

Hidan: -.- That means I have to restart again!

Itachi: Do you want me to do it?

Hidan: NO. I will not fail during JASHINmas! -tries again-

-1 hour later-

Hidan: YES! I got it!

Itachi: Ok…now plug it in. -smirk-

Hidan: -glare-……-doesn't reach-……do we have an extension cord?

Kakuzu: They're too expensive.

Hidan: -eye roll- Typical, Mister Frugal.

Kakuzu:…

Hidan: -SIGH- -takes off lights and tries again-

Itachi: -stands near plug outlet-

Hidan; -intense concentration-

Itachi: -sees that the cord reaches the plug, so he plugs it in while Hidan is still rearranging it-

Hidan: -lights go on suddenly, blinding him- WTF??? -falls over, dragging lights with him- OMFG I HAD JUST GOT IT!!!

Kisame: -see angry Hidan wrapped in blinking lights- HAHAHAHA!!

Kakuzu: No!!! My tree!!!! -saves it again from being toppled over by Hidan-

Hidan: -looks at lights wrapped around him- Why are hell are they blinking now? Are they mocking me? STOP BLINKING!!-grabs scythe-

Kakuzu: Don't break them! Didn't you listen to what I said before?

Deidara and Sasori: We're back!!!…o.O

Sasori: You STILL haven't gotten the lights up? -puts star on table-

Deidara: You guys are pathetic, un.

Hidan: -glare- It's fucking harder than it looks especially with NO extension cords and useless people standing around criticizing!-gets on ladder and tries AGAIN-

Deidara; Yeah right, un. I bet even Tobi could do it. -puts clay ornaments on table-

Tobi: senpai called?

Deidara: -.-''

Zetsu; -walks in- I found some flowers to put on the tree too. ^^-puts them on table-

Kisame: -inspecting Deidara's ornaments- Are these safe to put on the tree?

Deidara: They're not explosive, un.

Tobi: -picks up ornament shaped like a bird- These are just like senpai's clay weapons!

Sasori: I don't think you should touch-

Tobi: -throws it at Deidara's head- KATSU! ^^See? Now Tobi is like senpai! Tobi is a good boy!

Sasori: …it won't explode anyways…

Deidara: -gets hit in the head with his own ornament- TOBI YOU MORON!! -grabs lights and tries to strangle him-

Tobi: WAAAH!!

Deidara: -tugs on lights violently-

Hidan: -feels lights being pulled from his hands, and falls over (again lol) unbalanced.- FUCK YOU DEIDARA! -lands on Itachi's back.-

Itachi: -natural reaction- OMGWTF? Surprise attack? FIREBALL JUTSU! -burns Zetsu's flowers and half the room-

Zetsu: T.T

Kisame: -uses water to put out the fire, but soaks everyone and the entire room-

Sasori: -glare- You ruined my eternal star!!! T.T -uses puppet strings to push Kisame into Tobi.-

Tobi: HI KISAME!! -glomp-

Kisame: O.O NOOO!!! -runs away and bumps into Deidara-

Deidara: -Falls into their JASHINmas tree, knocking it to the floor-

Kakuzu: -stares in horror- THAT TREE COST MORE THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED!

Tobi: -sees wet plug and tries to put it into socket-

Hidan: NO TOBI DON'T TOUCH THAT!

-ZAP-

Hidan: Great. On top of all this, we just blew a fucking fuse.

Kakuzu: I'm not paying for that.

Hidan: As if we expected you to. -eye roll-

Sasori: -sigh-Itachi, make yourself useful and light some candles.

Itachi:…-lights candles-

-Door opens-

Konan and Pein: We're back!! …-stare-

All: -sheepish look-

Pein: o.O I'm afraid to ask.

Konan: For a group of S-Rank criminals, you are definitely Chris-

Hidan: -COUGH-

Konan: u.u CHRISTMAS lights challenged.

All: -.-''

Pein: -sigh-You're all useless. -Grabs lights and hangs them on Zetsu.- THAT'S how you do it. ^^

Zetsu:…

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Thanks for reading! Number 3 will be coming out soon! ^^

-MoonlitLotus


	4. Number 3

Here's the third Pain of Christmas courtesy of the Akatsuki. Enjoy!!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters (belong to Masashi Kishimoto) or the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas"

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Sasori:-writes-The third thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: hangovers.

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Pein: The base seems to be strangely quiet tonight…-looks around- Hellooo??

Tobi: HELLOO PEIN! ^^

Pein: -.- Tobi? You're still here?

Tobi; Senpai said that Tobi couldn't go out with the rest of them. Tobi is a good boy!

Pein: So where exactly did they go?

Tobi; Sempai said a place where they give out drinks, I think.-goes to his room-

Pein: o.O Uh oh.

-door bangs open and shouting voices are heard-

All: -walk/roll/crawl/shuffle/flop into the living room and fall over-

Pein: O.O What happened to you guys??

Kisame: -hic- The bar was having samples of cocktails and beers and other alcoholic -hic- beverages to celebrate Christmas.

Pein: So you all got yourselves drunk?? I expected better-well, actually no, not anymore. -.- But honestly, I couldn't imagine half of you being stupid enough to get yourself drunk.

Kisame: -hic- Don't blame me, Itachi forced me to have 6 vodkas…he said it was Kool-Aid.

Itachi: -hic- You're so gullible.

Hidan: FUCK YOU -hic- ALL! JASHIN WILL FUCKING -hic- PUNISH MY FUCKING ASS BECAUSE YOU -hic-FUCKING HAD TO SHOVE -hic- THE FUCKING ALCOHOL DOWN MY FUCKING -hic-THROAT-

Deidara: -eye swirls-Stop swearing, un. I -hic-didn't take your hair gel this morning.

Pein: ?? Dare I ask why Hidan is so…

Konan: -hic- Kakuzu forced Hidan to drink 8 cocktails for a dare, though -hic- it is against his religion to consume alcohol.

Pein: -face palm- Kakuzu, you went there too? I thought you hated spending money on unnecessary things.

Kakuzu: It was all -hic- free, and you know how I can't resist freebies. ^^

Pein: Great…

Sasori: -hic- Oh, and Pein, for future reference, I don't think alcohol is good for plants. -points at Zetsu who is munching on the table with a manic look in his eyes- He tried to eat -hic- Kisame on the way back.

Pein: -eye roll- Good to know…You know, I had this dream, where Orochimaru was telling me that my organization sucked and he'd dominate over us, but I told him that there was no chance of that. But now, I've come to the conclusion that you're all just useless and pathetic. -.-

Itachi; -sniff- Don't say things like that Pein -hic- don't be so cruel…we have feelings too! -cries-

Pein: o.O Itachi…when did you become so emotional?

Deidara: -pointing to air- Pein, look! I've found your Kyuubi!!

Pein:…Deidara, are you ok?

Deidara: -sniff- Pein, the Kyuubi is mean…IT SAID I LOOK LIKE A GIRL!!!

Sasori: -mumbles- But you do, seriously…-hic-

Pein: Deidara-

Deidara: -to air- SHUT UP, IT'S NOT TRUE!!

Pein: -sigh- Why did you let him drink? He's underage!

Itachi: -gasp- Pein so you do care about our well-being! Aww. ^^

Pein; No, I just needed someone who was actually SANE to help me properly put up the tree, since you guys are worthless.

All; u.u''

Itachi: -sniffle-

Konan: I'll help -hic- you, I'm not that drunk…even though I had about 12 refills…-gets up shakily and trips over Zetsu who's now eating the carpet-

Pein: -.-'' -to sky- Why? Why have I been cursed like this?

Kisame; Uh oh. I feel sick…

Kakuzu: Go to the bathroom!!!! I'm not -hic- paying to replace anything you puke on.

Sasori: Well you're already gonna be -hic- paying a bundle since Zetsu already -hic- ate the teak wood table and expensive oriental carpet, and if I'm not mistaken -hic- he's about to eat the priceless hand-made curtains. -hic-

Kakuzu: -faints-

Hidan:-stabbing himself- Jashin forgive me, Jashin forgive me, Jashin curse Kakuzu, Jashin forgive me…

Kisame: Itachi, you're crying all over Samehada… -hic-

Itachi: -sniff- My father gave me my first sword…but now he's dead... -cries more-

Kisame: Aww Itachi. -hugs-

Itachi: -tear- My mother used to give me hugs like that when I was upset… -cries a rainstorm-

Kisame: o.o'' -moves away-

Konan: -hic- stop doing that Kisame, can't you see he's going through a rough time? -to Itachi- There there…

Pein: o.O What kind of evil organization is this? I'm so glad Tobi didn't go with you…

Sasori: -using puppet strings on fainted Kakuzu- Haha -hic- dance Kakuzu dance! ^^-makes him punch himself in the face-

Deidara: -arguing with his hallucination- OF COURSE MY HAIR IS NATURAL!! u.u

Hidan:-faints from alcohol and blood loss; the (expensive) armchair covered in his blood-

Sasori: -knocks over antique lamp with Kakuzu's arm- Oops…-hic- there goes another 1000 dollars -hic-

Kisame: Uh oh. -runs to bathroom-

Itachi: -sniffling and hugging a pillow-

Pein: -eye twitch- I GIVE UP ON ALL OF YOU. -walks away- You'll be punished enough tomorrow morning…heheheh…

-Next Morning-

All: OM(F)G MY (FUCKING) HEAD!!!!

Kakuzu: MY EXPENSIVE FURNITURE!!!! -faints-

Zetsu: -GROAN- I have the biggest stomach ache ever…WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT?

Pein: -eye roll- Serves them right. Muahaha. ^^

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LOL well there was another chapter of Akatsuki/Christmas goodness : ) If you've ever wondered what would happen if the Akatsuki got drunk…well there you go. Next chapter: The fourth pain of Christmas!

-MoonlitLotus


	5. Number 4

Number 4!! Enjoy

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the song or Naruto.

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Sasori:-writes-The fourth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: sending JASHINmas cards.

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Itachi: You're kidding right? I'm not writing cards for ANYONE.

Kisame: Aww, what happened to the sensitive and emotional Itachi from yesterday?

Itachi: -glare- I will not hesitate to Tsukiyomi you if you mention that ever again.

Kisame: O.O -backs away-

Pein: I have to agree with Itachi on this. Are we an evil organization or what?

Hidan: But it's JASHINmas tradition! Cards MUST be written.

Deidara: To who?

Hidan: Jashin-sama of course! ^^

Kakuzu: You're the only one who believes in him, so why do the rest of us have to waste valuable paper and ink to write cards?

Sasori: I agree. I have so many other things I could be spending my time doing.

Hidan: It's. Fucking. Tradition. -glares evilly-

All: o.o''

Konan: Well, unfortunately since the only paper in this hideout is mine, and I'm not sharing, I guess we can't make cards! Too bad! -tries to runs away-

Hidan: Nice fucking try! I have a whole stack of pre-made violent looking JASHINmas cards for all of you! ^^

All: Great… -.-

Hidan: Now make a card for the great Jashin-sama or I will fucking sacrifice all of you, since Jashin will allow it for JASHINmas!

-5 minutes later, and everyone is "working" on their cards-

Tobi: -writes- Dear Santa, Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! (repeat x 1000)

Deidara: -mutters- No way I'm writing a card to a make-believe person. -ponders- Hmm…but I do need to go to the store… -writes- Things to get: 1. Shampoo/conditioner 2. Clay 3. More clay 4. Lindor chocolates, yum ^^ 5. …

Pein: -writes- Dear God, aka, Me: Can you make something happen that will render Hidan incapable of celebrating Christmas next year? I can't stand going through all this crap again; its making my evil organization soft. u.u''

Konan: -makes card into origami star- ^^

Kisame: -rips his card, whistling innocently-

Zetsu: -eats his card, steals Sasori's and eats it too-

Sasori: o.o…thanks Zetsu.

Itachi: -pondering- This card lacks…purpose. Why should I give it some by writing on it with my superior Uchiha-ness?

Kakuzu: -hasn't touched his card- If you're not paying me, I'm not gonna write anything. u.u

Hidan: -writing in intense concentration- …and as your loyal subordinate, I would like to praise thee, Lord Jashin for the twentieth time… Oh, fuck. I need more space. -takes another card and continues writing-

-half an hour later-

Konan: -sitting amidst a collection of paper-card origami-

Hidan: -still writing- JASHIN FTW! :D

All: Zzzz….

-one hour later-

Hidan: Done!! -has 50 cards with him-

All: -wake up-

Hidan: Ok, let's see what words of glory and praise you have written for my beloved Jashin-sama!…Why do I have fucking cards from only 3 people?

Zetsu: -burp-

Kisame: -hastily eats ripped pieces of card- What?

Konan: ^^''

Itachi and Kakuzu: -stare, not bothering to hide their blank cards-

Hidan: Jashin will curse all of you. You're fucking useless.

Pein: That's my line.

Hidan: -reads cards-WTF? …Deidara, this is not a shopping list. You dare to mock the sacredness of JASHINmas cards?

Deidara: -pondering- Hmm…oh, and I want a box of sugar cookies, and can't forget the rope for Tobi heheheh…

Hidan: …Tobi, WHO THE FUCKING HELL IS SANTA?? AND WHY DID YOU WASTE 40 CARDS WRITING YOUR CATCH-PHRASE?

Tobi: That's all Tobi can write. Tobi is a good boy!

Hidan: -ignores-…and Pein, watch out for the wrath of Jashin, THE ONE GOD.

Pein: Well, since I exist and he doesn't he can't qualify for the title of God can he? -smug-

Hidan: -swings scythe violently at Pein, but is restrained by Sasori- JASHIN AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR YOUR DISLOYALTY! YOU DARE TO MOCK THE UNBELIEVABLE-

Itachi: -sticks duck tape over his mouth- You lack quiet. Shut up. -.-

Hidan: -glares mutinously-

Konan: Now that we're done with that pointless task, who wants to help me properly put up the tree?

Deidara: Fine, but I'm not making ornaments, un. -rubs bump on his head- Stupid Tobi…should come with a warning sign…

Itachi: I'll do the lights.

Sasori: I'll make ANOTHER star -looks pointedly at Kisame-

Kisame: I'll bake Christmas cookies!

Pein: o.O Are you sure it's a good idea for you to be in the kitchen alone?

Kisame: -defensively- Hey, It's Itachi whose a danger in the kitchen, not me.

Tobi: Tobi will help make cookies ^^ Cookies are yummy for good boys! -skips away with Kisame, singing CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS,-

Hidan: -rips off tape- IT'S JASHINMAS!

Kakuzu: Oh, shut up Hidan, nobody approves your new holiday name.

Hidan: -sulk- At least Jashin appreciates my efforts.

-somewhere else-

Jashin: Merry Christmas, to all my evil minions and subordinates. -evil laugh-

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Yes, Jashin celebrates Christmas…not JASHINmas XD Poor Hidan, he seems to be fighting a losing battle.

-MoonlitLotus


	6. Number 5

Disclaimer: Don't own the song, nor Naruto.

Voila Number 5! :) Enjoy~

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Sasori:-writes-The fifth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: 5 months of bills.

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Konan: Where's Kakuzu?

Pein: Why?

Konan: Usually we get a million letters in the mail reminding Kakuzu to pay our bills…but strangely enough we haven't gotten anything yet. Except for a few flyers, our mailbox has been completely empty.

Pein: That's so unusual, I'm positive something is wrong.

Konan: Do…do you think for once…he actually paid them on time? *hopes*

Pein: Ha, yeah right. Where is Kakuzu anyways?

Konan: I was asking you. -.-

-Itachi and Kisame walk by-

Pein: Hey Itachi, Kisame. have you guys seen Kakuzu?

Kisame: Nope, why?

Konan: We haven't gotten any bill payment reminders yet…does this mean that we will have one less pain this Christmas? =D

Itachi: That seems highly unlikely. He's probably-sniff- do you smell…fire?

Kisame: If it's Tobi again…remember what happened last time?-shudders-

Deidara:-walks in- Why is there smoke coming from Kakuzu's room?

All: O.O…

-Pein, Konan and Itachi walk to Kakuzu's door-

Konan: Should we go in? I mean, what if this is part of Hidan's ritual? He's gonna be pretty pissed.

Pein: I didn't know Hidan used fire.

Itachi: -eye roll- well he's kinda used every other weapon in the hideout, maybe he's bored.

Hidan: Why the fuck are you guys in front of my door?-sees smoke- AGAIN? THAT FUCKING MISTER SCROOGE! I told him not to light fires in our room! -mumbles- makes me clean up all the fucking ashes…

Pein:…? What the hell is he doing in there?

Hidan: Hmm? Oh burning all those fucking payment reminders…he's been flaming them for a while now. Uh…I mean….Oh well, his problem now…-walks away-

Konan:…Well there goes my hope, though why am I not surprised? -.-

Itachi: -burns down door-

Konan: -picks up one of the papers on the floor-Holy crap. -shows Pein-PAYMENT FOR 3,200 PENDING FOR 5 MONTHS; 24th REMINDER.

Itachi: Look. BILLS UNPAID:HEATING, ELECTRICITY, INTERNET, FOOD, ETC. 5 MONTHS OVERDUE.

Kakuzu: -looks up- uh oh.

Pein: You haven't paid the bills for 5 months???

Kakuzu: There's so many though…

Pein: That's why you pay them ON TIME, so they don't pile up and cost millions!

Kakuzu: -heart attack- M-millions…?.x.x

Itachi: -thoughtfully- It's still strange for us to have power though. Usually they cut it if bills are horribly overdue.

-ZAP-

Itachi:…

Pein: I hate irony.

Hidan: Pein, the fucking heating just went out…

Deidara: -sniff- the internet doesn't work anymore…

Sasori: WHAT THE HELL? Who turned off the lights?

Kakuzu: -innocently- Well, all bills have a grace period…don't they?

Pein: That is about 2 weeks…not 5 MONTHS.

Tobi:-runs in- WAAAH!! Arthur isn't coming on the TV anymore, and it's the Christmas Special!-sniff sniff- and Tobi does not like the dark.

Kisame: The hot tub is now a cold tub .

Zetsu: MY FOOD! The fridge no longer works…LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO EAT IT NOW, THEN. ^^ -walks away-

Itachi: -sigh-You DO know that the longer you hold off on bills the more you have to pay? The interest adds up to quite a hefty sum.

Kakuzu: -heart attack (again lol)- MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE, MISTER SMARTIE. x.x

Itachi: We go through the same thing every year -.- Do you suffer from memory loss?

Kakuzu:…

Hidan: Haha serves you right Scrooge!

Sasori: If you thought they were expensive before…

Kakuzu: -SIGH-

-----------------------------------------------------

-MoonlitLotus


	7. Number 6

Disclaimer: Don't own the song, nor Naruto.

Sorry for the EXTREMELY LONG hiatus, but here's a few more chapters ^^

Enjoy!~

-----------------------------

Sasori: -writes- The sixth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: facing the in-laws.

------------------------------

Hidan: We have in-laws? I thought we killed everyone related to us.

Kisame: Nope some of us still have relatives, like Itachi who has Sasuke. Though he doesn't count as an in-law..

Deidara: Oh yeah, and Sasori-no-Danna has his grandmother ^^ aww.

Sasori:…shut up.

Kisame: I think I still have my great-great-great grandfather or something…or is it my great-great uncle…or aunt? I'll have to go to the ocean soon, I'm losing track of my relatives.

Deidara: HA! So you admit you're part fish?

Kisame: …

Zetsu: We have our sister!

Sasori: O.o Zetsu, I never knew you had a sister.

Zetsu: WHAT? How could you not notice her? You see her every time you go to the kitchen…

Sasori:?? I still don't recall…

Zetsu: -sniff- I think you've hurt her feelings. I'LL GO GET HER, MORON.

Zetsu: -returns with potted plant- She sits on the kitchen counter…how could you not see her?

Sasori: OH…how was I to know…never mind.

Zetsu: Apologize.

Sasori: To a-

Zetsu: APOLOGIZE!

Sasori: -sigh- I'm sorry…flower…plant.

Zetsu: She HAS a name, you know…USE IT.

Sasori: -OMFG- Uh…-tries to remember while Zetsu stares, ready to eat him-

Konan: o.O Anyways…if none of us have people we can call 'in-laws' then why is this even an issue?

Kakuzu: Because-

Pein: ALRIGHT RELATIVE VISITING TIME ^^

All: O.O

Konan: o.O Pein, are you alright?

Hidan: Looks like SOMEONE hit the fucking eggnog a little early…

Pein: Ha. Ha. No. Ever heard of a joke? Geez people…

Deidara: Hey, Pein, do you have in-laws?

Pein: Deidara, does God have in-laws?

Deidara: Huh? I don't think so….but what does that-

Kisame: -points to framed sign-

PEIN IS GOD

Deidara: Oh. Guess not, then.

Pein: Damn straight. ^^

Deidara: How about you, Konan?

Konan: Nope…all my family and relatives got killed when there was a war…it was between our village and this other one, I don't care to remember the name, and so there was so much fighting and blood and death, I thought I was gonna die, but then I met these two other kids who were orphaned like me and so we…

Deidara: un…?

Konan:…and then I learned how to use my origami as a jutsu….

Deidara: UN…?

Sasori: She's not listening to you.

Kisame: -sigh- Deidara…why did you have to ask?

Pein: -mouthing words comically along with Konan-

Itachi: o.O you memorized her speech?

Pein: When you've heard it as much as I have, its like second nature.

Hidan: Well I have another ritual to do, so I'm gonna leave now.

Kakuzu: Hey, Sasori, Itachi, to fit in with the rest of us family-less people, I can kill your relatives…for a price -evil smile-

Itachi and Sasori; O.O…

Kakuzu: -sniff-To pay all those bills and replace all that furniture I had to dip into my bounty money…now there are only 11 zeroes left on the amount. -walks off-

Deidara: 11 zeroes left… -counts- 10 000 000 000??? Holy crap we're RICH?!?

Itachi: The way Kakuzu goes on about it, you'd think that we're a few dollars off from being a charity-case though, wouldn't you?

Deidara: -eye swirls- so…many…zeroes…rich?…money…holy crap…x.x

Itachi: -.-''

Sasori: What's wrong with him…? Anyways I have some puppets to finish up.-leaves-

Konan: …and then, it was my birthday and I was so surprised when…

Kisame: I'm gonna go. I think I have some relatives to find.

Itachi: Uh…I'll come help.

Pein: My head hurts. See you later.

Deidara: -_It was a simple yes or no question, un_- -.-''-walks away-

Konan: …but then I found out that…

~3 hours later~

Konan: …and then, I became part of Akatsuki, so no. I don't have any living relatives.

Tobi: Konan can talk for a long time…

Konan: Huh? -looks around- where is everyone?

Tobi: They left 3 hours ago, but Deidara-sempai said that if Tobi sits here and pretends to listen, Tobi will be a good boy! So Tobi did, even though he had to go to the bathroom 2 hours ago! ^^

Konan: -.-…so nobody listened to my life story? -sniff-

Tobi: Tobi did! Tobi is a good boy!

Konan: -mumbles- I meant that nobody intelligent enough to understand the subtle metaphors and allusions I used in my tale heard it?

Tobi: O.O metal-forks? Tobi didn't hear anything like that in your story! Was this before or after Konan was running from the village?

Konan: -sigh- never mind Tobi. -.-

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy! ^^

---------------------------------

-MoonlitLotus


	8. Number 7

Disclaimer: Don't own the song, nor Naruto.

Enjoy~

----------------------------

Sasori: -writes- The seventh thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army.

-------------------------

Pein: Well, its that time of year again.

Tobi: Christmas? But Tobi already knows that! Pein is a silly boy!

Sasori: No Tobi…I think he means Charity Day.

Deidara: -groan- The day when all the charitable ninjas go door-to-door asking for donations…

Pein: Yup, sadly.

Itachi: Well, I've always wondered how they've managed to find this place. I mean isn't the point of being a secret and mysterious organization to have our location…a secret?

Hidan: That's a good point. I wonder why Pein, who thinks he's fucking God, hasn't been able to do that? -gasp- Maybe because he's not a fucking God at all!

Pein: -.- …

Kakuzu: Are you still sore about the whole JASHINmas card thing? Just give it up! Why can't there be two Gods?

Pein and Hidan: BECAUSE, then that means that they are equals, when clearly I/Jashin is better. -glare at each other-

Kakuzu: You're such children. Believe what you want. I give up on you guys.

Pein: Stop stealing my lines, geez people.

-knock knock-

Konan: looks like they've come. Who's gonna get the door?

All: Not me!

Konan:…you're all a bunch of pansies. And not the flower kind, either. -walks to door-

Random Charity Guy: Hi Miss! Would you like to donate to our 'Save the ADHD Ninja's fund?' -points to box with a picture of Naruto-

Konan: Nope, I have no-

Random Charity Guy: Well about the "Forgotten or Dead Characters of the Naruto Series" fund? -holds out box with a picture of Haku and Zabuza.

Konan: No, I have-

Random Charity Guy: Or maybe the "Lonely Bijuu" fund appeals to you? -shows her box with a picture of a little kid Gaara.

Konan: -getting angry- NO, because I have no-

Random Charity Guy: Well, there is this fairly recent new charity, for-

Konan: NO MONEY!! -slams door-

All: o.o''

Konan: …What?

-knock knock-

Konan: The door's all yours. -walks away-

Pein: As your leader, I command someone else other than me to get the door…Deidara, thanks for volunteering!

Deidara: What, un?? -grumbles- Not fair un…-walks to door and opens it-

Another Random Charity Guy: Hello Miss, would you like to-

Deidara: -eye twitch- I'M A GUY, UN!!! -blows up Another Random Charity Guy and slams door shut-

All: -muffled laughter-

Deidara: -glare-

Kakuzu: Stop slamming the door! If it breaks I'm not buying another one.

Hidan: Why don't we just buy you a fucking voice recorder for JASHINmas huh? I'm so fucking tired of hearing you say that. You're such a cheap, penny pinching Scrooge.

Kakuzu: Well excuse me, don't I pay for the cleaning materials when you mess up our floor with your stupid ritual? And didn't I pay for all the furniture Zetsu ate or you bled on? And I make sure we have a suitable living habitat, and-

Hidan: Yeah, only after you fucking whine about it, or we force you to pay the bills, or you steal from the rest of us or force us to sneak your money so we can fucking SURVIVE. -.-

Kakuzu: YOU DO WHAT??? You steal my money?? -turns on Pein- Do you authorize this?

Pein: uh…-shifty eyes-

-knock knock-

Pein: -inner sigh of relief- One of you, go get the door.

Hidan and Kakuzu: He will. -points to each other-

Hidan: I'll pay you 20 bucks if you answer the door.

Kakuzu: -eyes light up- Really? -runs to door-

Hidan: Ha. No fucking way.-runs away before Kakuzu comes back-

Sasori: Those two…they're worse than a married couple.

Kisame: Haha, that's the zombie twins for you. Fight until they kill each other, and even then, they never die.

Kakuzu; -opens door-

Yet Another Charity Guy: Hello sir-

Kakuzu: NO.

Yet Another Charity Guy: But you don't even know what-

Kakuzu: You want money. I don't want to give you money. -slams door and walks away-

Sasori: o.O That was cold…

Kisame: I'm hungry. -leaves-

-half an hour later-

Pein: It's quiet. Too quiet…nobody's knocked on the door for half an hour.

Sasori: Maybe its over? -hopes-

Itachi: I sense someone coming.

-knock knock-

Pein Itachi and Sasori: -look at each other-

Pein: …I nominate Itachi!

Sasori: Seconded!

Itachi: -scowls- Thanks a lot guys…-opens door-

Iruka: -mumbling- Put me on the stupid Konoha charity committee… -looks up when door opens- Hello Sir would you like to- ITACHI??!?!?

Itachi: ????

Iruka: O.O So this-this must be the…Akatsuki base?? -gasp- This is huge! Now I'll finally get a vacation from those whining children! The Hokage will reward me generously for finding the Akatsuki hideout! -starry eyes-

Itachi: -_crap, what to do, what to do…- _Tsukiyomi!

Iruka: -eye swirls-

Pein: …That was totally unexpected. o.O

Sasori: What are the chances that a chuunin from an enemy village would find us HERE? Geez Pein, you suck at making hidden bases.

Pein: …

Sasori: Better wipe his memory when Itachi's done with him…72 hours later.

Pein: -sigh- Nothing is ever normal around here, is it? -.-

------------------------------

No Iruka's were harmed in the making of this chapter. For those of you who are concerned, his Tsukiyomi was merely being tied to a chair, while his Academy students used him for target practice. (They aren't that good, so he didn't get hurt too much XD) He then lost memory of the location of the Akatsuki base and meeting the Akatsuki, and was sent back to Konoha unharmed. :P (It's Christmas, so the Akatsuki were uncharacteristically nice towards him)

****************************************

MoonlitLotus


	9. Number 8

Disclaimer: Don't own the song, nor Naruto.

Enjoy~

------------------------

Sasori: -writes- The eighth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: I want (insert item here) for JASHINmas!

----------------------

Sasori: Change the channel, Kisame; I don't want to watch the Discovery Channel anymore.

Kisame: Aren't you even the least bit interested in the ocean ecosystem? I find it truly fascinating.

Sasori: Well, normally maybe, but not when I've seen it 100 times -.-.

Konan: Oh, can't you put Lonely Hearts on? I think in this episode Sean is going to propose to Naina! But then Renzo doesn't want that to happen, so he planned to have Sean assassinated or something so he could claim Naina for himself! Oh, so much drama!

Deidara: Are you serious? Ohmygosh, I thought Renzo was already married to Lucille? Or did he only pretend so that he could get her money? What a horrible guy!

Konan: I _know_, eh? Sean belongs with Naina though; they make the perfect pair!

Deidara and Konan: -sigh wistfully-

All: o.O

Pein: I didn't know you watched that drama too Deidara…I thought that Konan was the only one -cough-mental-cough- enough to watch that.

Deidara: Hey, if Sasori can watch dramas why can't I? At least this is a lot better than Strings of Love.

Sasori: Hey, at least my drama has an actual storyline, not the overused plotline your drama has…I can't wait for this week's episode, where we find out who Samira's murderer is -excited-

Tobi: But I thought Samira was the one in the coma? Or was that her twin sister Leila?

Sasori: o.O you…watch…Strings of Love? -crap-

Tobi: Well, Tobi was bored and he saw that Sasori had a lot of dvd's…at least 6 seasons, so Tobi borrowed Kisame's dvd player and watched them all…

Sasori: -hides face-

Deidara: You bought the entire 6 seasons?? And you scoffed at me for buying 10 seasons of Lonely Hearts? You're such a hypocrite!

Kakuzu: What? What? You bought seasons of dramas? SEASONS? The ones that cost a lot of money when you can watch episodes relatively free? Those SEASONS? WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY? Who authorized it? Nobody asked me about this!

Deidara: Well, when you were out on a mission with Hidan Konan and I snuck into your- OW!

Konan: _shut up!_

Kakuzu: You WHAT? What do I have to do to keep my precious money away from you people? Isn't bad enough that Hidan burned a 5 dollar bill? Do you need to torture me by stealing more of my precious money? -runs to room; sound of a chainsaw and wood being cut can be heard-

Konan: Darnit Deidara, I wanted to go shopping tomorrow…now I'll actually have to use my own money…

Deidara: Oops -//-

Tobi: SHHH SHHH! it's the commercials!!

Deidara: Why is he so excited for commericals? They are so annoying, popping up when you least want them too…

Hidan: So true. I actually broke a couple television sets in my frustration…Kakuzu was so fucking pissed -grin-

Konan: Ohhh, so that's why the television sets have been getting smaller and smaller…

Tobi: -scream-

All: O.O

Tobi: -after commercial- I want that! I want that!! it's the best Christmas present ever!! :D

Hidan: o.O What the fuck was it? I didn't see the commercial.

Tobi: Its…a….-dramatic pause- a…wait I forgot what its called. it's the thing where you use the sticks to push the balls around on a table and try to get them into the holes.

Itachi: A pool table? You want a pool table?

Kisame: Do you even know HOW to play?

Konan: And do you know how much it costs? Kakuzu would never allow it.

Tobi: T.T But…but Tobi will be a super good boy if he gets a table of pool! Its always been my dream. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please? -puppy dog eyes/pout-

Konan: Its way to expensive for Kakuzu to even think of…then again, everything is. -.- He wouldn't even spring 25 cents for one of those candies in the machines…

Hidan: Lets do it then. -evil grin-

Deidara: Are you mad? He'll seriously kill us all!

Hidan: I'll take full responsibility. He can't kill me after all.

Itachi: o.O You're really being quite noble.

Hidan: I love pissing that guy off -smirk-

Itachi: Ah.

Hidan: So are you guys in?

All: Definitely.

Kisame: But if we're going through all this trouble for a pool table for Tobi…why don't we buy presents for ourselves too? Courtesy of Kakuzu, of course. -grin-

Hidan: I like the fucking way you think, Kisame. So everyone, name your most expensive wish for a gift.

Deidara: A designer sash-bag for my precious clay.

Sasori: A separate workroom, away from the brat.

Kisame: A full-sized pool.

Konan: A silver jewel encrusted ring. Oh, and maybe some jewelled peircings for Pein. n.n

Itachi: I don't want anything.

Kisame: Oh, come on Itachi? How about a Jacuzzi? Or a fully stocked wine cellar? Wine tastes surprisingly good, you know.

Itachi: Those are all things you want. I lack nothing, therefore I want nothing.

Kisame: Ok, then I'll borrow your present, and buy 2 for me!

Itachi:…fine.

Hidan: Perfect; though its funny how a quarter of it involved renovations to the base.

Kisame: Well we have the room, and I doubt Pein will mind.

Hidan: Alright, lets go then.

All: -leave-

-4 hour later-

Pein: Kakuzu, where is everyone? I know Zetsu's off hunting, but where are the rest of them?

Kakuzu: No clue. I was making renovations to our room all morning; They always steal my money, so I built some stuff to keep them away from it, and to keep it safe.

Pein: -.- I think you may have gone a little overboard though.

Kakuzu: pshh, all of it is economical and home-made, so I barely wasted a cent.

Pein: -sigh- I just hope they aren't getting drunk again.

Kakuzu: They better not be. I still have to replenish my funds after all that.

Pein: Well, I'm gonna go eat something…Um, we do have food right?

Kakuzu: Yeah. I cut drastically from everyone's pay checks, not the food money.

Pein: Ok, good. -leaves-

Kakuzu: Well, I think I'll check our accounts and funds again. Just looking at all those high numbers makes me happy. -walks to room and turns on computer-

Kakuzu: -GASP-PEIIIIINNNNNN!!!! -fighting heart attack-

Pein: What? -.-

Kakuzu: P-permission to kill the rest of our members? -furious-

Pein: Oh? Why?

Kakuzu: THEY SPENT OVER 1 MILLION ON WORTHLESS MATERIALISTIC ITEMS!!! WHY MUST THEY CONTINUE TO TORMENT ME? T.T

Pein: -laughing-

-Rest of members return-

Kakuzu: WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF? DO YOU REALIZE I'LL HAVE TO CUT BACK ON FOOD RATIONS AND ELECTRICITY, NOT TO MENTION HEATING TO RECOVER THE MONEY YOU SPENT?

Hidan: -sarcastic- Oh no, we've never lived in those fucking conditions before…

Kakuzu: THIS WAS ALL YOU WASN'T IT?

Hidan: -smirk-

Kakuzu: -proceeds to kill him-

Deidara: Wait, Kakuzu, wait! We got you a present too! n.n

Kakuzu: -stops- H-huh?

Deidara: Here!

Kakuzu: -opens box- A…wallet?

Itachi: Its from the Dollar Store, so be happy.

Konan: I also engraved your name in it with little paper pieces!

Kakuzu: -shock- This…this is the best present…I've ever gotten…

Hidan: -mutters- more like the ONLY present.

Sasori: Shut up, don't ruin the moment.

Tobi: Kakuzu? Weren't you angry about us spending-

All: SHUT UP TOBI!

Kakuzu: …This was unexpected. Thanks guys -walks back to room-

Pein: He was won over by a cheap wallet…I don't know whether to laugh or be worried for him.

Sasori: Who cares, at least he's not ready to rip us all apart. By the way, there are gonna be some renovations to the hideout, just letting you know.

Tobi: Tobi got a pool table!

Konan: -flashes ring- So pretty! And we got a little something for you too, Pein. -gives him present-

Pein: -opens box- Ooh…excellent.

Hidan: -sigh- even though I don't believe in materialistic products, if I knew that cheapskate was going to be won over by a cheap wallet I'd probably have bought something for myself…like an arsenal of weapons or something…

Deidara: Yeah, well you learn something new everyday, huh?

Konan: I think I'll keep a stash of those wallets with me, cuz I seriously need a shopping spree soon. -grin-

All: -.-"

-------------------------------------

-MoonlitLotus


	10. Number 9

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto characters or Pains 1-8 which come from the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas"

NOTE: Since the last few 'Pains' of the actual song "The 12 Pains of Christmas" don't really fit with Akatsuki, I did some improvisation for Pain 9 and 10. There will only be 10 pains instead; so the next chapter will be the last one.

Enjoy~

***************************************

Sasori: -writes- The ninth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: making Christmas dinner.

-------------------------

Kisame: I can't believe we forgot the most important part of Christmas.

Hidan: Don't worry, we can go to Jashin's Temple and worship him ALL day tomorrow. =D

Kisame: Huh? No…I meant the food! It's Christmas Eve at last, and everyone's here with us this time, no major injuries, so I say we celebrate with a delicious Christmas dinner!

Sasori: Well unless you can make magic, that's not gonna happen.

Itachi: Yeah. You guys got lucky yesterday, I don't think we should push it and spend even more buying that kind of food.

Kisame: Aww… -tear- I was looking forward to that Christmas-y food they always advertise…all those delicious meats, gravys, desserts…-drool-

Deidara: Aw, stop it un. You're making me hungry…

Tobi: Then let's make our own food!

Kakuzu: NO WAY. Absolutely not. I refuse.

Deidara: Kakuzu?? When did you get here?

Kakuzu: I have a newfound sixth sense; it alerts me when people are thinking of spending money. Especially for stupid things.

All: -.-

Tobi: But we won't buy anything! We'll make it ourselves here!

Kakuzu: Well that's all fine and dandy, until someone explodes the microwave, burns the stove, overheats the oven, breaks the fridge, loses utensils; there are way to many expenses to trust any of you with making anything more complicated than instant noodles.

Kisame: -grin- I guess you have a point. How long did it take to clean the scorch marks off the stove and walls after Itachi decided to try one of Konan's recipes?

Itachi: Will you stop bringing that up? Like I said, the stove wouldn't heat so I decided to…help it along. I didn't know gas was leaking from it when I used my katon jutsu…Anyways, I'm not the only one that destroys the kitchen! Even Deidara and YOU for that matter are worse than me.

Sasori: I think its funny because it's YOU. I mean everyone expects Deidara to blow up everything on this planet, but the fact that infamous Itachi Uchiha himself has kitchen problems? -snicker-

Itachi: -death glare-

Deidara: I'll make a deal with you Kakuzu. Let us use the kitchen; if we can keep it in perfect shape, we'll turn in Hidan and give you all his bounty money.

Kakuzu: No. I think Itachi's more valuable.

Itachi: Have you gone mad?

Kakuzu: -sigh- Fine, Hidan. But if you mess it up, I get Samehada. I'm sure it will rack up quite the price in the Water Country's auctions. It's like a valuable collectible.

Sasori: Doesn't something seem weird with that bet? Kakuzu kinda wins either way.

Kakuzu: That's the only betting I do. Everyone agreed?

Itachi: Hn.

Deidara: Agreed!

Tobi: YES!

Sasori: Fine.

Kisame: NO WAY! That's not ok! You guys are just saying that cuz you have nothing to lose! I refuse!

Deidara: Oh, come on Kisame…does it look like we would actually destroy the kitchen?

All: -angel face-

Kisame: You're kidding, right?

Deidara: Well, we'll all work together and make sure that nobody does anything to damage anything. And if I'm wrong, you can force-feed Tobi poison until you're satisfied.

Tobi: HEY! That's mean, Senpai! -pout-

Kisame: Why don't I just force-feed poison to you instead? That would make me feel a hell of a lot more better than doing it to Tobi.

Konan: Sorry guys, Pein kinda needs his members alive.

Deidara: Y-Yeah! Thanks Konan. -relieved-

Sasori: Konan? Where do you people keep sneaking up from?

Konan: Heh. Okay, how about if the kitchen is messed up, you can feed Deidara poisons that won't actually kill him, but provide slow torture.

Deidara: Konan! I thought you were on my side!

Kisame: I like the sound of that. It still won't make up for losing Samehada, but it's a start.

Deidara: -yoga breathing- Ok guys, for my sake PLEASE don't screw anything up.

Sasori: Shall we start then?

Tobi: Yayayayayayay!! =D

------In Kitchen-------

Konan: Okay, since I'm the only one that really knows how to cook here, follow my instructions and everything will go smoothly.

Deidara: Yeah, un. Konan's the boss! Listen to everything she says! And carefully un!

Sasori: Hm…I haven't used my non-fatal poisons in a while, so there should be four shelves for you to pick and choose from Kisame.

Deidara: Stop being so pessimistic Sasori! Nothing bad is gonna happen. We have our angelic Konan!

Konan: Aw ^_^ Ok, here are a bunch of recipe books with Christmas type foods.

Tobi: I'll make the cookies!

Itachi: I'll make appetizers.

Sasori and Kisame: We'll make the main course.

Deidara: I'll make dessert!

Konan: I'll make the drinks I guess…anyone like eggnog?

-half an hour later-

Pein: Hey, something smells good!

All: Thanks!

Deidara: Sasori! Did you just blink? Watch the stove at all times. WATCH IT! -paranoid-

Sasori: Stop panicking so much, geez.

Deidara: You're right…we're S-class criminals…what can't we do perfectly?

Tobi: Oops.

Pein: Cook, apparently. -smirk-

Deidara: -eye twitch- Did-Did that idiot just say oops?

Tobi: I spilled some milk…sorry senpai.

Deidara: Oh...milk…ok. -sigh of relief-

Kisame: This is looking pretty good, eh?

Sasori: Obviously. I'm helping.

Kakuzu: -walks in, inspects kitchen, then walks out-

Itachi: I'd wish he'd stop doing that…its embarrassing being seen with an apron. And a stupid frilly one at that.

Kisame: -grin- Hey, they were all up for grabs, you were just too slow so you get the girly one.

Hidan: What the hell are you guys doing? I thought the safety limit was one person in the kitchen only? More than that and something gets destroyed.

Deidara: Konan's supervising.

Hidan: -smirk- I heard about your little deal with Kakuzu…I hope you have a strong body to handle all those poisons.

Deidara: -twich- Nothing will go wrong! Nothing! We have Konan! Now leave! -eyes dart nervously-

Itachi: Are you ok? You look like you're going to have a nervous breakdown…

Deidara; I'm FINE! Pay attention to what you're doing! Nothing will go wrong. NOTHING!!!! -eye twitch-

All: -sweat drop-

-one long hour later-

Tobi: Finished my cookies!

Sasori: Are they edible this time?

Tobi: Of course! Its my fourth batch; Konan told me how to fix it.

Sasori: Ok good…

Kisame: Uh…Tobi? I don't know how, but your cloak…

Tobi: It's pretty right? I coloured the clouds blue!

Kisame: Uh, its on fire.

Tobi: -scream-

Itachi: Tobi, don't flail around like that, you'll make it worse!

Tobi: -knocks over pots and pans in his mad flailing-

Deidara: -panicking- STOP DROP AND ROLL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TOBI DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING AS A KID? AND BE CAREFUL!

Tobi: -stops, drops and rolls quickly…crashing into Kisame's legs causing him to lose balance-

Kisame: -tugs violently at Sasori's cloak to stop himself from falling-

Sasori: -gets pulled down with Kisame, spoon flying from his hand-

Itachi: -gets hit in his blind spot with the spoon-

Deidara: Oh no…ITACHI DON'T-

Itachi: -natural reaction- OMGWTF? Surprise attack? FIREBALL JUTSU!

Deidara: -covers face- Goodbye…my perfect flawless beautiful unpoisoned body…

Tobi: I put out the fire! Stop drop and rolling works!

Sasori: Well, thanks to Itachi we have a bigger fire to worry about-

Tobi: Kitchen! Stop drop and roll!

All: -.-"

Kisame: I'll fix it!

Itachi: My bad. Wait- Kisame there are electrical appliances here...!

Kisame: -puts out fire-

Hidan: I'M TRYING TO DO A FUCKING RITUAL, AND JUST AS I GET INTO THE ZONE I HEAR SHOUTING AND- -observes charred and burned walls- Oooh…nice scorch marks Itachi, I think your jutsu's gotten stronger.

Pein: What- hey, do you smell burning?

Itachi: Ha ha Pein. -.-

Sasori: Oh shit! Kisame take it out of the oven!

Kisame: Too late… -coughs as smoke pours out of oven, clouding the air-

And after being mistreated- burned by Itachi, drenched by Kisame, neglected by Sasori, and probably fed up with its misfortune of being in a kitchen of lunatics, the poor fifth-hand 20 year old stove spontaneously combusts, causing a chain reaction with the stove, and microwave somehow. O.o

Pein: Wow…that was unexpected.

Kakuzu: AHAHAHAH!! -laughs maniacally- Samehada is MINE!! -dollar sign eyes-

Kisame: DEIDARA!!!

Sasori: Four shelves, remember Kisame. Purple bottles.

Deidara: -screams and runs away-

Hidan: You guys really are morons, aren't you?

Itachi: Oh well, so much for Konan supervising and keeping control…where is she anyway?

Sasori: Multiple food poisonings…remember Tobi's four batches of cookies? Well he made her try the first three.

Tobi: This seems familiar to Tobi…didn't this happen when we were putting up the Christmas tree?

Sasori: You're right…this type of chain reaction misfortune…by the way Itachi, why the hell do you have some sort of weird reaction to being hit from behind? I remember you burning half the living room when we tried to put up the tree as well.

Itachi: I…had the misfortune of coming across rabid glomping fangirls if you must know. A lot of rabid glomping fangirls. So when something suddenly hits my back I go into survival mode.

Sasori: By burning them to a crisp? -snicker-

Itachi: Shut up. -glare-

Pein: Well, now that you've all learned that you are even more of a danger in the kitchen than you are in a battle, shall we go to a restaurant for our Christmas dinner?

Hidan: Won't Kakuzu throw a fucking fit though?

Pein: Nah, I'll 'borrow' some of his bounty money, pretend its my own and treat everyone. He's so ecstatic with Samehada he probably won't notice.

Hidan: I like the way you think. -smirk-

Konan:…Urgh…-throws up on Pein's shoes- Uh…Merry Christmas Pein. -faints-

Tobi: Oops…my bad hehe…

Pein: Good grief. -.-

----------------------

MoonlitLotus


	11. Number 10

I'm still alive! And so is this story that got abandoned for a really long time…like years…but its back, and almost done. So…yes. I hope you enjoy the last (yes, this is the last one) pain of JASHINmas!

Disclaimer: Don't own the Naruto characters, or the song from which this parody is made. (Although I did deviate away from the song for 2 pains)

Onwards!

* * *

The tenth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: Disproving the existence of Santa and proving the existence of Jashin.

Deidara: Why are we here, un? I'm so full I just want to go to sleep.

Pein: Hidan called a meeting. He said it was important. -shrug-

Itachi: And yet, he's the only one not here.

-Hidan bursts into room 10 seconds later-

Hidan: Ok everyone here? Good. I just realized its already the eve of JASHINmas and you idiots are still not 100% convinced that JASHIN really exists, thus you cannot appreciate the sacredness of tomorrow.

Sasori: -mutters- I doubt any of us are even 0.1% convinced.

Hidan: -pretends he hasn't heard- SO, I was looking through my stuff and I found this book explaining the true origins of JASHINmas in all its entirety. It is an epic recollection of that fateful day made by one of my ancestors who actually witnessed this entire event take place and recorded it. This history has been passed down for generations to each new Jashinist, and so now I'm going to treat your non-believing ears to it too which is quite an honour for you.

All: -blank stare-

Tobi: So what you're saying is…you want to read us a bedtime story? :D

Hidan: …Do I look like your fucking mother? And no, this is not a story. It is a historical document. So listen up! -pulls out thick book-

Kisame: Hidan…just how long is that story?

Hidan: Historical document! And well, my ancestor usually had get-to-the-point issues, thank Jashin it skipped my generation, and so he does go a bit off topic. But anyways, the history is all here.

All: -groan, mutter and shuffle into comfortable listening/sleeping positions-

Hidan: It was a cold night. Stars shone in the sky but they provided no warmth. The moon was a curious shape, kind of like a smile. Or it might have looked like a banana if somebody had turned it on its side. The grass was covered in snow and I touched it. It was cold.

Sasori: My ears are dying already.

Hidan: I looked at the sky again, not knowing that in a few short hours I would be encountering one of the most powerful celestial beings of the immortal world and be witnessing an event so mystical that it would change the world as I knew it. Snowflakes started to fall from the sky, as if the stars were crying. I had always been fascinated by snowflakes; did you know that no two are ever alike? I stood in the cold for another half an hour just watching the heavenly product drift down and coat me. The wind picked up and the snowflakes started dancing in the wind. It was really beautiful and I just stared at them, entranced. Did I mention that I was fascinated by snowflakes? I shivered, realizing that I had been standing in the cold for an hour. The icy wind blew and I shivered again from the cold of the pretty snowflakes that flew into by face. It wasn't your average cold either, it was like cold mixed with-

Deidara: OK we freaking get it! Its cold and snowy and your ancestor has a creepy obsession with snowflakes. CAN YOU JUST GET ON WITH IT?

Hidan: Those who are impatient will never understand the true sanctity of Jashinmas. Besides, I'm only on the second page.

Deidara: Tobi…throw this at my head really hard. -gives Tobi an extra non-explosive clay ornament that he made for the tree-

Tobi: …senpai?

* * *

-3 hours later-

Hidan: …And then, Jashin-sama blessed the girl with powers of immortality and asked her to follow Jashinism. As she had been saved from death by this devilishly handsome and powerful God, not unlike myself, she willingly agreed and became the first Jashinist. She converted a man and married him, and had her first child on the late eve of December 24th, which then became known as Jashinmas to praise the immortal power, strength and compassion of the great Lord Jashin. -closes book- And that is the story of Jashinmas.

All minus 3: -Zzz…- (Itachi, Konan and Pein had actually left 15 minutes into the story.)

Hidan: -vein pulsing- I BEAR THE SOUL OF MY BELOVED JASHIN'S MOST PRECIOUS DAY OF THE YEAR AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SLEEP THROUGH IT?

-Deidara, Sasori and Kisame wake up at his yelling but the rest are still asleep-

Tobi: -yawns-Tobi was listening!

Hidan: -sigh- Nobody cares about you Tobi.

Tobi: I have a question though. Where does Santa Claus fit in to your story?

Hidan: For the last time Tobi, who the hell is Santa Claus?

Tobi: Well, he is this jolly old man who lives at the North Pole with his elves, which make toys for all the good little boys and girls. He likes to eat milk and cookies, and every year on Christmas Eve, he rides his sleigh pulled by flying reindeer all over the world to give presents to all the good children!

Hidan: o.o…That is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever fucking heard.

Tobi: But its true! If we put out milk and cookies tonight, at midnight Santa will come and leave me presents because I'm a good boy!

Hidan: Pft, JASHINmas doesn't involve softie things like presents. Don't you know that its just an Akatsuki member that dumps a load of presents under the tree for you? I mean seriously, remember last year? If it really was Santa giving you the presents, I don't think he would misspelled his last name on all the cards.

Kisame: Sound a word out, its correct 95 percent of the time…pft, yeah right. That's the last time I ever consult with Deidara…

Sasori: Honestly? That boy can hardly spell his own name, let alone spell the name of a fictional character.

Tobi: -shocked that even Sasori doubts the existence of Santa- He's not fictional he's REAL! He has to be real! -close to tears-

Hidan: Oh yeah? Well have you ever seen him? Have you ever talked to him? Do you know anyone else who's seen or talked to him? I didn't think so. And thus by all the laws of nature, physics, reason and intelligence, Santa Claus does not fucking exist. -smug-

Deidara: Did you fail as a student? How do any of those laws even relate to whether or not Santa exists? And what the hell is the law of intelligence?

Sasori: It's only natural you don't know, since you need to have some to understand.

Kisame: Ouch!

Deidara:…

Sasori: But by your logic, wouldn't Jashin not exist either? You've never seen him, you've never talked to him, nobody else has seen or talked to him…

Hidan: Did I or did I not just spend 3 fucking hours reading the history of JASHINmas as it was recorded by MY ANCESTOR WHO SAW JASHIN AND WITNESSED THE WHOLE FUCKING THING?

Tobi: But…they have shows about Santa on TV! So that has to mean he's real because those people know him and have seen him and talked to him and-

Hidan: Have you noticed that the 'Santa' looks slightly different in every show? I mean he's some kind of fucking animal thing in Arthur…and do you know why they're all different? BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE SINCE HE WAS JUST MADE UP TO MAKE LITTLE KIDS FEEL SPECIAL.

Tobi: "B-but…"-pouts and runs away in tears-

Konan: -enters room-why are you yelling so much and why is Tobi crying?

Sasori: Hidan just told him that Santa doesn't exist. And somewhat proved it.

Konan: Hidan! Why can't you just leave Tobi alone? Poor thing…and its Christmas Eve too! The one night he looks forward to the most!

Hidan: Pft, like I care. He spends all of JASHINmas worrying about some fictional Santa instead of praising and worshipping the very REAL Jashin like he's supposed to on JASHINMAS! The little brat had it coming to him.

-4 paper cranes peck him repeatedly in the head-

Hidan: OW! Dammit woman what's your problem?

Konan: You are so insensitive to Tobi! Why couldn't you just let him go along believing in Santa? Nobody else believes in Jashin and you don't go around breaking their hearts. Poor Tobi!

Kisame: Much as I am annoyed by Tobi like everyone else…I have to agree with her.

Deidara: Yeah, un. He's an idiot but he's like one of those annoying puppies that starts to grow on you because of its unrelenting happiness. It feels bad to have him all upset and crying.

Sasori: It feels like a cloud of gloom just descended over our hideout, doesn't it?

Hidan: Oh stop being such a fucking drama queen. He'll get over it in 5 minutes then come back down and eat cookies and forget all about this.

Tobi: *SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB*

Konan, Sasori, Deidara and Kisame: -…look at Hidan-

Hidan: -shrugs- Ok, maybe 15 minutes. -gets poked again by birds- OW!

Konan: You are going to make it up to him, mister.

Hidan: Huh?

Konan: According to Tobi, Santa comes at midnight and leaves presents. So you're going to dress up as Santa and I'll lure Tobi into the living room where you'll give him his presents. Then, tell him he's a very good boy. That should cheer him up.

Hidan: What the hell? Have you ever seen what Santa looks like? He looks like a fucking red round tree ornament! And there is no way I'm telling Tobi he's a good boy. He's completely disrespecting Jashin and JASHINmas with all his Santa and Christmas nonsense. -gets violently pecked some more- STOP IT WOMAN!

Deidara: Shh, un. Don't wake up the others. Unless you want them to witness you dressed up as Santa.

Konan: Will you do it? -gives him the look of cold evil death that only she can do which has the power to make fully grown men cower in fear-

Hidan: o.o …yes ma'am.

Konan: That's what I thought. Deidara, Sasori, help him get into a Santa costume. I'll go find Tobi and convince him to put out milk and cookies. When you're done, I'll lure Tobi to the living room. You have 45 minutes until midnight. Go!

Konan left find Tobi, and Deidara and Sasori pushed Hidan down the hall into their room to give him a Santa makeover.

Hidan: Sometimes I think that woman is fucking scarier than Pein…

* * *

*knock knock*

Tobi: -sniffle- Who's there?

Konan: Its Konan. -opens door and walks in- Don't you want to leave milk and cookies out for Santa?

Tobi: Santa doesn't exist…

Konan: Oh please, Hidan's just jealous because Jashin is the one that doesn't exist. I mean come on…does Jashin have his own television shows? I don't think so…So you tell me, which one exists?

Tobi: I guess…

Konan: And everyone knows about Santa, right? They all know what he looks like, and they know what he does and where he lives…does anybody know that kind of information about Jashin? I don't think so…So tell me which one exists?

Tobi: -visibly brightens-

Konan: -spends another 30 minutes needling and convincing Tobi until…-

Tobi: -rushes out of his room in a flash- I HAVE TO LEAVE MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTA BECAUSE TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!

Konan smiled satisfactorily. She was good getting people to see things her way. There was only 15 minutes left until midnight…she had to see whether Hidan was remotely close to ready.

* * *

Tobi wondered why there was a light on in the kitchen. He peeked inside and saw Itachi sitting at the table humming Christmas carols with a pile of cookies in front of him and a glass of milk. He walked in and Itachi stopped humming, giving him a look that said 'if you tell anyone about this I'll kill you.' Tobi skipped to the fridge obliviously and took out the milk.

He reached for the cookie container and frowned when he saw it was empty. Itachi looked up as Tobi came over and tried to take a cookie. Itachi smacked his hand away. Tobi stared at Itachi. Itachi stared at Tobi. Tobi looked at the cookies. Itachi shook his head and held the cookies protectively. Tobi pouted. Itachi stared at him. Tobi started to sniffle. Itachi stared impassively, holding his cookies even tighter.

Tobi: KONAN!

Konan: -appears in a flash- What?

Tobi: -points- Itachi took all the cookies and he won't let me have any to give to Santa.

Konan: Oh really? -gives Itachi the look of evil death that only she can do which sends fully grown men cowering in fear-

Itachi: o.o -pushes plate of cookies away from him slowly-

Konan: Thought so ^^. There you go Tobi! -leaves-

Itachi: Scary woman…- Downs his milk and leaves-

Tobi walks to living room and sets the cookies and milk down on the table. He looks at the clock and sees that it's 5 minutes to midnight. He jumps and runs back to his room burying himself in his bed; after all Santa doesn't come when good boys and girls are awake. And since Tobi was the only good boy in the hideout, he pretended to sleep.

* * *

***Meanwhile with Deidara and Sasori***

Sasori: Shut up and keep still! You're almost done.

Hidan: I look fucking ridiculous.

Deidara: -dying of laughter on his bed-

Sasori: It's your own fault you know. -puts false beard and Santa hat on Hidan- Good thing your hair is already white.

Hidan: -miffed- It's not _white_ its an elegant platinum-silver.

Sasori: Whatever. Deidara, do you have the pillows?

Hidan: Why do I need fucking pillows?

Deidara: Santa is pretty chubby you know…so we need the pillows to-

Hidan: Oh fucking hell no. Isn't it bad enough that I have to wear this stupid beard and hat? I do not need to look like a fucking marshmallow too.

Sasori: It's your own faul-

Hidan: -glares- I will personally shove this pillow down your fucking throat if you say that again.

Sasori: Coming from you, that threat seems pretty humorous. -shoves 2 pillows up Hidan's shirt.- Perfect.

Deidara: -collapses on floor in laughter-

Hidan: -Attempts to kick him and nearly falls over due to his overlarge 'stomach' thus earning more laughs from Deidara-

Konan: -pokes her head in- Everything ok in here? -sees Hidan- Good. You have 5 minutes…then I'll go get Tobi. Oh, and Hidan, if you mess this up you'll be very, very sorry. -gives him the look of evil death that only she can do which sends fully grown men cowering in fear-

Hidan: -shivers- fucking creepy…

* * *

10 minutes later, Hidan's all dressed up and they're walking him into the living room, Deidara holding the presents that Hidan's supposed to give toTobi and Sasori making sure he doesn't fall over. They pass Kakuzu who had just woken up and was walking back to his room.

Kakuzu: o.O -snickers- what the hell…

Santa Hidan: SHUT IT STITCHFACE.

Kakuzu: o.o -shrugs and returns to his room, still snickering at his partner's misfortune though he's unaware as to why he's dressed up like a fat little Christmas ornament.-

* * *

***Meanwhile with Konan***

Konan: Tobi, wake up! Wake up!

Tobi: merh?

Konan: I saw someone in the living room who was dressed in red and very chubby and wearing a fuzzy red hat and carrying presents!

Tobi: -half asleep-mrh…easter..merph…bunny?

Konan: -resists urge to slap herself in the forehead- I think it's Santa!

Tobi: -sits up wide awake- SANTA? You saw Santa?

Konan: -nods- I think he's still in the living room, but you gotta be quick!

Tobi: -SQUEAL!- -dashes off with ninja speed-

Konan: ^^ -follows him to living room with ninja stealth-

* * *

***In The Living Room***

Konan: -hiding in the shadows to make sure Hidan doesn't mess up-

Santa Hidan: -munches on cookies- These are actually pretty fucking good! -raises cup of milk to his lips and is about to drink when…-

Tobi: SANTA! IT'S REALLY YOU!

Santa Hidan: -spills milk on himself-

Tobi: -Stares in horror- uh oh…is Tobi still a good boy?

Santa Hidan: -resists urge to glare- Yes. Yes, Tobi is still a good boy. In fact, Tobi is one of the goodest good boys I've ever met. And I've been around the world and seen a lot of good boys so I should know. Yeah.

Konan: -smacks herself in the forehead-

Tobi: SQUEAL! THANK YOU SANTA! -hugs-

Santa Hidan: Erm…I have…presents if you let go…

Tobi: -Lets go and stands out of Santa's personal space-

Santa Hidan: Here you go, Tobi.-gives him 3 presents- And Merry…Christmas. -spits out word as if it pains him to say it-

Konan: -Nods in approval-

Santa Hidan: -Sighs now that his charade is done and walks towards the door-

Tobi: Where are you going Santa? The chimney's that way.

Santa Hidan: Eh?

Tobi: Silly! You came down the chimney right, so you have to go back up the chimney to get to your reindeer!

Santa Hidan: Oh…You're completely right. Looks like I might have eaten too many cookies! Erm…HOHOHO!

Tobi: -watches curiously as Santa goes up chimney-

Santa Hidan: -mutters-Stupid fucking kid. Even without this fucking stupid outfit I wouldn't be able to crawl up the fucking chimney anyways. I'll just climb up far enough so he can't see me and then come back down and go to my room. -nods to himself- yeah that's what I'll do.

Tobi: I always wondered how Santa could fit in all those chimneys…-watches amazed as Santa's feet go out of sight then skips off happily to his room- Wait till I tell Hidan! Santa is real and he said I'm the goodest good boy!

Santa Hidan: Finally. -tries to move but he's pushed himself farther up the chimney than he thought- Eh? Tries to shimmy back down but his shirt rides up and the pillows puff up in his face. -muffled- WHAT THE FUCK I'M STUCK!

Konan: -walks to bottom of chimney.- Serves you right.

Santa Hidan: Wait, Konan…help me?

Konan: Nope. Obviously Jashin is trying to punish you. And since you said we should all believe in JASHIN, I don't want to go against his divine action. -Walks away-

And so Hidan was left swearing in the chimney all night and was only pulled out early the next morning painfully by Kakuzu on the orders of a confused Pein who later realized he really didn't want to know.

* * *

And this is the last chapter! The Akatsuki finally made it all the way to Christmas Day! -passes out cookies for all- Next chapter will be kind of like an epilogue where the Akatsuki comment on everything the day after Christmas. And thanks to those readers who stuck by this story that got started quickly then abandoned then picked up after a loong time again and is now almost finished. Hehe. I'm planning on re-vamping it so that it reads more like a story rather than a list of what the characters say, so that'll be done…eventually ^^;;  
Thank you!

MoonlitLotus


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